“7 Survival Tips for New Stepparents”
by Renée J. Lukas
Leave Behind the Fear and Try These Instead
No one ever says, “When I grow up, I want to be a stepparent.”
That’s because everything you know about stepparents you learned from children’s movies, like the wicked stepmother who made Cinderella scrub floors. Not a positive image.
A stepparent is the only role in the family that no one asked for. Parents split up and you were brought into the picture. The kids never asked for you.
This was the situation I faced when I first started dating a woman who had kids. And who had been married to a man.
Let me be clear—I was never going to have kids. That was not part of my plan. I was content to be the cool aunt who could get my nephew to giggle by making his SpongeBob slippers talk. Then when he had a meltdown or poop situation, I could give him back to my sister—like a return at Wal-Mart.
But when I’d begun to date someone who had two sons—one in his early teens, the other age nine—I was naturally worried. Okay, terrified. I imagined hearing that phrase no stepparent ever wants to hear: “I don’t have to. You’re not my real mom!”
I decided that instead of running in panic, I’d accept this detour that life had presented me.
Now many years later, I have a family I never thought I would have. I can’t imagine not knowing them the way I do now. I won’t lie and say it’s been a non-stop Disney ride. But what I learned along the way might help anyone who finds herself (or himself) suddenly in the role of stepparent.
- Don’t rush the affection.
I wanted to hug the kids. I admit it, I’m a hugger. But my wife, who is also a licensed therapist, wisely said, “Let them come to you. When they’re ready, they’ll let you know.” Months passed. A year passed. Sometimes it was hard because the younger one was so cute he reminded me of a Muppet I just wanted to squeeze.
Then one morning, my wife and I were dancing in the kitchen. When the little one saw us, he cried out, “Sandwich!” and threw his arms around both of us, with me in the middle. It was a safe way for him to give me a hug, and the beginning of letting me know that it was okay to be affectionate.
I’d heard of stories where stepparents push too hard, and the biological parent commands their children to “give so-and-so a hug and kiss.” It’s a forced, uncomfortable thing for kids. If a hug and kiss are demanded, it will probably take even longer for the kids to develop more natural feelings toward you.
- Shamelessly use your partner’s authority when necessary.
Discipline is the trickiest part of being new to the family. Like it or not, at first you have no authority. It’s true. To the kids you’re a stranger who, if you start ordering them around, will only cause resentment. And you can forget about bonding. That’s why in the beginning, I rode on the coattails of my wife’s authority. When I needed to use discipline, the best way was to remind them of Mom’s rules: “Your mom said no eating in your bedroom.” Or “When your mom gets home, will she be happy to know you guys were fighting like this?” This way, they had to listen to the same person they’d always listened to.
As more time passed and the kids got comfortable with me, I didn’t need to mention their mother anymore. I could just tell them to stop doing whatever it was they were doing that they shouldn’t be. And they listened to me! It was a smooth transition—and a great moment when I felt like a real parent.
Still, when things got really big, involving water balloons in the house or someone’s charger being stuffed down another’s pants, I could still call on the big guns with no problem: “Your mother is going to take your electronics away if you don’t give that back!”
There’s just one exception to the coattails tip. If the kids are disrespectful to you in the beginning, you have every right to be firm and make it clear that you expect to be treated with respect. Even though you’re not the biological parent, it’s your right to expect to be treated in a respectful manner.
- Understand that the kids may feel guilty for liking you.
Sometimes I would notice that after visiting with his dad, the younger boy, who was always so talkative, would clam up when I asked him about his day. I learned that some kids feel like they’re betraying the other parent if they feel a close bond with you, the “new” person. This is normal. They will come to understand that it’s okay to welcome new people into their lives without diminishing their relationship with their other parent.
- Give yourself, and the kids, time.
There’s no magic pill to turn you into an instant, cohesive family. Some things can only come with time. I had to prove myself with three things: 1) treat both of their biological parents with respect, 2) don’t undermine their mother’s rules when she’s not around, and 3) be consistent in my behavior.
There was one time when the older boy wanted me to let him do something his mother had forbidden. He pleaded with me. “Please,” he begged. “She’ll never know.”
“But I will,” I said. “And so will you.”
Sure, it was a tempting time to bond with the older son, to have a secret between me and him. But it would have undermined my credibility if I chose to become his buddy. I didn’t feel great at the moment, but I think I earned his respect in the long run.
Time takes care of a lot of things, including what name the kids will call you. The older one informed me that he only has one mom, and I told him I understood that, because so do I. So he calls me by my first name. The younger one seemed more troubled by not having some kind of nickname for me. He worked on it for a while, and he came up with something that was a cross between my name and Rihanna. Remama. It didn’t stick, but it was good because he was trying to define my role in his life. Don’t worry if they aren’t sure what to call you right away. Over time, they’ll find something they’re comfortable with. As long as it’s not an expletive, you’re probably doing just fine.
- Take an interest in what the kids are doing, but not in the usual way.
I don’t, nor will I ever, understand Pokemon. But asking questions about one of their favorite TV shows taught me far more than I’d ever learn with a question like, “What’s your favorite subject in school?” I tried that question early on, and the older boy said, “Recess.” It was a quick conversation.
We played games together. This gets everyone talking, often laughing, while enjoying a shared experience. It doesn’t feel like a forced, getting-to-know-you moment. Games will reveal interesting things about kids. For example, I learned the mild-mannered nine-year-old became a cut-throat , take-no-prisoners villain when he got in front of a Trouble board.
I asked about things they like because I care. And they could see that. Kids are really good at seeing through insincerity. Even if I don’t understand how SpongeBob can brush his teeth while he’s surrounded by water, the kids knew I cared because I asked. And I am really fascinated by the success of a cartoon about a sponge. Really, I am.
- Don’t expect your life experiences to be interesting to kids.
At first I had delusions of being some great mentor like Mr. Miyagi in The Karate Kid. I could teach the boys things from my own school years. I quickly learned they don’t care. If they do take an interest, it’s usually because they pity you.
One night, the boys’ favorite cartoon wasn’t on any of the sixty cartoon channels on TV. So my wife and I told them how we only got to watch cartoons on Saturday mornings—and they ended at noon. The little one had a look of horror in his eyes.
“What did you do?” he asked with great concern.
“We went outside and played. Or read a book.”
Both boys were speechless. For them, this was the equivalent of Abe Lincoln reading by
candlelight in a log cabin with no TV, or living in Europe during the plague.
Certain we’d had a miserable existence, they think we don’t know much about anything. I couldn’t believe it, but it finally happened to me. I was viewed as one of my grandparents, starting sentences with, “Back in my day. . .” I learned not to take it personally.
- Make sure you and your partner are on the same page.
Before the first suitcase crosses the threshold, you should have a long talk about what kind of support you can expect from your partner. If you find yourself with a new husband and “Daddy’s little girl” can do no wrong, this will only make you the bad guy no matter what happens. New relationships can be hard enough without adding more stress.
I know I’m lucky because my wife insists on her children treating me with respect. I can’t stress enough how the support of your significant other is essential to making this sometimes complex relationship with step-children not just work, but work well.
Remember, being a stepparent is full of challenges and possibly migraine headaches. But if you don’t push things, just be yourself, and maintain an atmosphere of mutual respect and a sense of humor, it can be one of the most rewarding experiences of your life. If I’d given in to fear and run the other way, I would have missed out on all of it.
