“Parenting in the Age of Technology:
How to Stay Connected to Each Other When Devices are Always Beckoning”
by Renée J. Lukas
When our son came home from college, we sat in the living room, my wife and I eager to hear how everything was going. We asked him questions, but were interrupted constantly by the intermittent buzzing sounds coming from his phone. Distracted, he kept checking it, while trying to talk to us.
I was frustrated. I’ve become all too aware how difficult it is as a parent to compete with the lure of algorithms and instant gratification. My wife and I were trying to connect with our son, whom we hadn’t seen in a long while. We thought the occasion merited his 100% attention. We talked with him about it, but got those placating responses reserved for what I’m sure he considers older generations who “just don’t get it.” The reality is this: even if the house was on fire, the little buzz (or sometimes ding) of his phone would require his attention first.
All of this speaks to a larger, more pervasive issue and a troubling question on the minds of parents everywhere: has technology, particularly social media, eroded our kids’ ability to fully experience real life? To make real connections with other humans? And, at the very least, their basic social etiquette?
There’s no question about it. Today’s parents face real challenges due to the advancements in technology. So what can be done?
Hand-held devices.
When my sister and I were kids, we’d go to the mall and play video games at the arcade. Our parents gave us each a set amount of quarters. When those quarters were gone, the games were done. There was nothing sadder than when the last quarter was gone. We went through a kind of withdrawal because the games were so addictive. I was obsessed with Ms. Pac Man, my sister with Centipede. Now I imagine—what if Ms. Pac Man was never over? What if I could bring her along in the backseat of the car all the way home, and then continue to play as long as I wanted? I don’t think I would’ve gotten my homework done, or the work would have been sub-par with the constant pull of the game beckoning me. I might not have even made it to college!
Cell phones and social media.
The addictive quality of social media with algorithms designed to keep you engaged, like gaming devices, is a powerful temptation.
According to the U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory on Social Media and Youth Mental Health, up to 95% of kids ages 13-17 report using some form of social media, and more than a third saying they use social media “almost constantly.” In the U.S., the required minimum age for most social media platforms is 13, but 40% of children ages 8-12 are using social media anyway.
This is alarming when you consider that social media is twice as addictive for kids as it is for adults (and we know how addictive it is for us!). That’s because an adult brain has a more developed prefrontal cortex, which regulates our emotional responses to rewards. Brain development starts at ages 10-13 until the mid-twenties. So kids are more susceptible to the praise of a “liked” post or a positive comment on social media. And then, the flip side could be true as well, with negative comments affecting kids and teens even more.
It’s easy to see this happening. As an adult, I felt so upset by a hostile Twitter (now X) response that it affected me physically. Take that combination of charged emotions mixed in with pre- and adolescent hormones and identity insecurities and you’ve got a recipe for depression, anxiety and a host of other issues, which research is showing to be true. In fact, 46% of teens ages 13-17 say that social media makes them feel worse about themselves (Boston Children’s Hospital). There’s some evidence to suggest the effect on girls may be even worse.
When should our children get phones?
As parents, we have to decide at what age it’s appropriate for our kids to have phones. Some parents want kids to have them for emergencies, to stay in contact in an increasingly dangerous world. If that’s the case, you could customize what apps are on the phone to minimize usage.
Sometimes, it’s tempting to put something electronic in your young child’s hands when they’re bored and you need some down time. Consider educational children’s programs and family movies. It gives you some time to rest and keeps them occupied and engaged with the world in a different way.
When they were young, our sons were mesmerized by musicals. In fact, their lifelong love of music probably started then. You never know what might ignite a spark in your child outside the world of screens.
Teens and social media.
As if parenting wasn’t difficult enough, now parents have to be more aware and vigilant about what kinds of social media platforms our teens are using. Apps continue to evolve, so understanding the differences between Snapchat, Instagram and TikTok is essential.
I’ll admit, Facebook was always more my speed. But I had to venture onto Instagram to help promote my books. What I found was a barrage of short videos that, if I didn’t already have it, gave me ADD for sure. Platforms like TikTok, designed for short attention spans, seem to be the most popular.
According to the Pew Research Center and Common Sense Media, nearly two-thirds of teens use apps daily, and one-third use them almost constantly. This is a sobering statistic when you think about how difficult the adolescent years are anyway. It’s no wonder that parents worry about online bullying, predators, life-threatening viral challenges and anything that results in lowered self-esteem.
Imagine trying to study and concentrate in school with the constant call of social media at your fingertips. Needless to say, 72% of high school teachers said cell phone distraction was a major problem in the classroom (The Pew Research Center). To combat this problem, some schools across the U.S. have banned phones during the school day.
What can parents do?
Start early. When kids are young, use parental controls on their phones when you determine when they should have one. Set limits. Homework, dinner, gaming. Establish some kind of routine that’s non-negotiable. Real life shouldn’t be eclipsed by games and phones.
Start family game nights (card and board games) or some shared activity that doesn’t involve a phone or gaming device. Any activity that brings everyone together, interacting in real life, helps create a balance. Hopefully, as your kids get older, it won’t seem so strange for them to participate in real life activities outside their phones.
Remember, not all tech advancement is bad. Our teenage son started using a meditation app to help him relax if he’s feeling anxious and to help him fall asleep. Ear buds and streaming music often come in handy, especially in the car when the boys want to decompress and not listen to me and my wife’s conversations.
If all this technology talk has your head spinning, here are some guidelines from Psychology Today:
- Understand different social media platforms, which are always changing. If you only use
Facebook or X (Twitter), even if other apps are not your thing, be sure to at least familiarize yourself with them.
- Have open communication with kids about social media. Nothing beats good old-
fashioned conversations. When you feel it’s appropriate, talk to them about social media the way your parents talked to you about strangers and safety.
- Help children learn critical thinking and how to stay safe online. Before sending them
out into the online world, help them to recognize things like false or inflammatory information and predatory behavior. For example, if someone they don’t know is sending overly familiar texts to them, teach them how to block that person or account.
- Establish appropriate and reasonable rules and guidelines for kids’ social media use. For
instance, if there are no phones at dinner or other family times, then they have to put the phones away. Be consistent with your expectations.
- Give kids some freedom to make their own choices. Striking a balance between parental
guidance versus kids’ freedom can be challenging. It might involve having them choose which app they’d like to use, then placing some parental controls on that app, as well as talking to them about what they might see.
The reality is that social media is here to stay, and the dangers are becoming increasingly well hidden. While it can be exhausting to try to stay one step ahead in this tech landscape, it’s necessary. Knowing how and when to expose kids to technology, setting guidelines as they grow older and having frank conversations about social media are keys to helping your kids be fully present for real-life moments and get the most out of real life beyond the screen.
